I’ve Never Seen/Read Twilight. Here’s What Happens.

I’ll admit up front: the headline isn’t entirely true. I technically did see the first Twilight movie in the theater with my niece and my brother on Thanksgiving day 2008, but my brother fell into his turkey coma in the theater and I spent most of my time and attention carefully drawing on his face without waking him. So between that and the passage of time, I truly don’t remember it.

But I’m pretty sure I know roughly what happens in the whole franchise.

The Twilight books, and especially the movies, were total phenomenons when they were released. They were inescapable whether you were interested or not, fodder for every late night show monologue.

If you went a level deeper as a pop culture consumer, you hit the fandoms, debating passionately online about #TeamEdward vs. #TeamJacob. There were people who loved the books and movies, people who made fun of those people (oh, because you’re so cool), people who loved the books but scorned the movies. There was discourse, be it a thought-piece or a tweet or a YouTube video, about all of it.

Even if you weren’t part of it, you were aware of it. I feel like Twilight just kind of soaked us as we walked through life without us having to think about it, like humidity.

This is on my mind because the newest book Midnight Sun was just released yesterday, which revisits the events we originally heard about from Bella’s perspective now told by Edward, an idea I find very cool. So I thought I’d try to piece together what happened and see how close I’ve gotten by osmosis alone.

My view of the plot skews heavily toward the movie side of things. I will not be going movie by movie, but trying to construct the overarching plot as a whole.

Here we go.

I believe that everything starts because Edward, a hot, big-haired vampire, moves to town and starts going to high school. Why does he go to school, doesn’t he have the power not to? Does he just want to live a normal, non-vampire life? But he meets a hot Normal named Bella in class, and the power of her scent both draws him in and makes him look like he’s going to throw up.

They’re drawn to each other and fall in love, but the vampire world is threatened by the integration of a mortal, so his family isn’t into her — maybe they want Edward to marry a powerful vampiress so that they can rule. Bella’s dad is probably in the dark about the fact that his daughter is dating a vampire, but he may notice her changing, being more distracted or upset, and not like that.

The Montague/Capulet drama just adds to their infatuation with each other because now there are STAKES to their love, and I don’t just mean wooden ones. I think probably some vampires want to kill her, and Edward protects her. I assume it ends with, Bella, and their love, being safe…for now.

The next thing I’m aware of is that werewolves somehow enter the picture — I feel like there’s a battle at some point where fangs-out vamps are Naruto-running toward a pack of people morphing into wolves, so I think they must be at odds with each other within the supernatural realms. This is where Jacob, muscular werewolf with smaller hair than Edward, comes in.

I know that he’s Edward’s romantic rival for Bella’s hand, and thus, #TeamEdward vs. #TeamJacob was born. This must mean that Jacob was kind and appealing in some way, not just an asshole who got thrown in to mix things up. Does this mean that Edward wasn’t treating Bella right, and Jacob was stepping up? My best guess is that Edward wasn’t an outright dick but was either A. Distracted with vampire duties or B. Broke up with Bella to protect her.

I also believe that Michael Sheen stepped in as some sort of powdery vampire king around this point, so I’m going to guess that he wasn’t a nice one, and that that somehow drove a wedge between Edward and Bella. And who was there to pick up the pieces? Jacob.

BUT SHE WAS NEVER BROKEN. I seem to remember that the issue of Bella’s autonomy also came into play and these movies adopted a gentle female empowerment vibe to counteract all the ownership stuff of whether people thought Bella belonged in the mortal world or the vampire world, and Edward trying to remove himself from the situation to spare her. She can decide what SHE wants, thanks. And what she wants is to join the vampire clan.

It is my belief that she and Edward get married, and by the time this happens, Jacob has settled into his role as Just Friends with Bella and he and Edward have a begrudging respect for each other for Bella’s sake. This may mirror a begrudging respect for the entire vampire and werewolf kingdoms? Unclear.

What IS clear to me is that Bella gets pregnant, and since the baby is half-vampire, its vampire-strength is a lot for her to handle. I have no idea what’s going on in the larger vampire world in the movies where they get married and have a baby — do these become domestic dramas rather than teen action epics? Do we watch Bella put on lotion before getting into bed next to a reading Edward? (I’m joking but that honestly sounds appealing.)

What I do know is that when Bella goes into labor, there are issues that lead Edward to give her a c-section with his teeth and rip the baby out. Of this I am certain, because I couldn’t believe it when I heard it. It’s not an evil baby, but it doesn’t know its own strength.

Bella, Edward, and baby live happily ever after, and I bet her dad comes over to the house and is kind of looking at the vampire candelabras all funny with his hands in his pockets, but the two families, so very different at first, have found their common ground in love.

Fin. I think?

So how did Edward’s inner monologue feel about all this? I guess we’ll find out in Midnight Sun. Or kind of find out from the publicity around it.

Either way, I’ll be happy to tell you all about it.

Originally published at https://www.chillinkristen.com on August 5, 2020.